We have pioneered a new fitness regime. It’s called T-Fit and it is all hype: Hypothermia and hypoxia. The easiest way to begin your training is to get yourself up a mountainside, preferably over 4,000m and check yourself in to a no-frills resort.
When I say ‘no-frills’ I mean without luxuries like running water, flushing toilets, comfy chairs, heated rooms, electricity, etc. Those little things that make the difference between a 4 star and 3 star hotel, perhaps. You don’t need them for your training.
Next you need to eat huge servings of carbohydrates thrice daily and sleep for over 10 hours each night (daytime snoozes are optional). These are your basics.
Building on this already impressive
base regime, you need to go on small half-day walks to higher altitudes. The main purpose of this is to keep warm, but some say it is good for your red blood cell count. Whatever. The T-Fit program doesn’t believe in such scientific hocus-pocus.
You’ll know when your training is going well when the following things happen:
• You breathe through your mouth and it makes your teeth ache
• The water you scoop to flush the toilet sounds like you are making a cocktail as the ice cubes rattle down the pan
• You have to sleep with your water filter inside your sleeping bag to prevent it from freezing and cracking
• When you squeeze your toothpaste as hard as you can it creeps out like a glacier
Of course such a finely-tuned schedule must also include interval training. This will produce better results from all of your efforts. Our secret in this department is by consuming cups of exotic elixir of our own creation (tea with milk) and reading paper publications for hours and hours on end.
Trust us with your body and you will be T-Fit in 7 days. GUARANTEED!